Rantings of a Fluffy Monster

Paradise Lost

2006-08-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

Between the age of 6 and 7 (my mates hear about this on a painfully regular basis), I lived on a 5x7 mile island called Boracay, in the Philippines. This is a picture of my Mum, sister and I in potato-sack trousers coming back from a shopping trip on a nearby larger island.Its a pleasure to share a moment or two of these very precious memories.

The view from our bungalow, which was similar to the one in front....

My time was split between exploring the island in my pants, floating in the sea, avoiding the island's 'school' and being dumbstruck by the sunsets every evening. I hope to share some more pictures like this in the future, when I get my sticky mitts on them!

2006-03-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

This is one of many pictures my stepdad has done. I get to brag because my mug turns up in a few of his illustrations and luckily he is clever enough to make it seem that I wouldn't look like a complete twat in a pink beret. Its from a book cover called All Fall Down, by Jenny Oldfield. I wonder what those shifty looking characters behind me are saying?

2005-09-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

Cider + Sunshine = Morris Dancing, and the remainder is Wasps....Discuss.......I came to this calculation when I was enjoying some cider at the Wallingford Folk Festival. Morris Dancing just makes so much more sense under these conditions.

Adventures of a Fluffy Monster

2005-08-19T06:56:00.000-07:00

The guys at www.2dobeforeidie.com have very kindly used a story of mine.
The point of the site is to recall a time that you hold dear in your memory - some people told of how they helped a person in the third world, or changed the lives of a bunch of kids...I did Breaking into Glastonbuty Festival. Tee hee.

Something Slithery This Way Slithers

2005-07-05T05:18:00.000-07:00

I was very much inspired by a William Blake poem posted by Marv

So, I wrote this.

The Green-Eyed Serpent
Coiled on his stone
Surveying the world
From his barren, cold home.
Judging.
Peering.
No-one could see him sneering.

He saw all god's creatures,
Saw beauty and love
And knew he was different
To all those above.
Slither.
Coil tighter.
"My scales shine all the brighter."

He feels warmer now,
Hating all with lust.
Basking in their folly,
Flicked his tongue in disgust.
"Fools."
"Should you care,
You would love me and despair."

As night fell to the rise of the moon
Our serpent swayed to his very own tune.
So lonely, still, as the frost moved in
And fixed his smile in a frozen grin.
Colder.
So much colder.
None the wiser, nor the bolder.

The Adventures of Young Mr. Riggs pt 1

2005-06-14T07:59:00.000-07:00

As Rence has returned from his travels, I'm gonna make up some adventures for him to star in. I can just hear his banjo in the background....

Young Mr. Riggs
Likes wrestling with pigs
And the most he has wrestled is twenty
Singing Hey Nonny-No
It's a Wrestling I Go
And I'm slippin' on cracklin' a plenty.

The pigs were surprised
He was greased to the eyes
As he skidded around in their pen,
Singing Hey Nonny-No
It's a Wrestling I Go
Won't rest till a-hunderd an' ten.

Well Riggs he was brave
and a cheeky young knave
He slapped all the piggies with gusto
Singing Hey Nonny-No
It's a Wrestling I Go
And Oim drinking a glass of Lambrusco.

His fine apple sauce
Was forgotten, of course
It was buried in cobwebs and spiders
Singing Hey Nonny-No
It's a Wrestling I Go
Blow me if I've not made some cider.

Our brave Mr. Riggs
And his knackered out pigs
Went trotting out into the meadow
Singing Hey Nonny-No
We're a-wrestlin' no mo'
But we do like your cider, young fellow.

Walnuts

2005-05-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

My housemate made me a drop-dead gorgeous hot baguette yesterday. Steak, Camembert, Horseradish and Waitrose Apple and Walnut Chutney. Also did a waldorf salad on the side. She rocks.
This Apple and Walnut Chutney is surely Cheese's best friend! The walnuts in it have gone just that little bit soft, and makes their scrunchiness just perfect. Shall have to purchase some Manchego and some Stilton, and get some experiments underway. Mate, your chutney's days are numbered!

Dream

2005-05-03T01:46:00.000-07:00

I had a dream this weekend that I was in a beautiful greenhouse, but couldn't hear much, because my ears were clogged full of wax. Then this cross between a woodpecker and hummingbird lighted upon my shoulder, slipped its beak into my ear and started feeding on my lug-jam. I got really worried, as I thought that he was about to start hammering into my brain woodpecker-style, but it was allright - Death just peered from his black cloak, waved his bony hand at me and said it would be fine.

Other Inventions

2005-04-11T02:09:00.000-07:00

I had a great idea for a black forest trifle - using chocolate brownies, tinned black cherries - even chose the kind of custard I was going to use...that creamy pale tub from waitrose with vanilla flecks in...and then I found a black forest trifle available in Sainsbury's! Got such a strop on I cant be arsed to make it now.
Now if only someone fancied beating me to my invention of a giant instantly chargeable battery, which can be carried on the back of a lorry with an extendible conductor, so it can be driven directly to lightning storms.....anyone?

Fondue Mac

2005-04-11T01:48:00.000-07:00

Ooop, my cheese passion is just going from strength to strength these days. I've done a fusion of two dishes, and ended up with Macaroni Cheese done in the style of a traditional swiss fondue....

Serves 4
400g Macaroni - boil & drain, innit.

Slice a garlic clove in half, and rub the inside of the saucepan with it. Add 1 pint of milk and bring it to the boil, making sure it doesnt burn on the bottom (ahem).
Whisk in 2oz plain flour, 2oz marge and turn the heat to med-low. Then stir in 2oz grated Gruyere cheese and 2oz Emmental Cheese. If its gone really lumpy at this stage, then shame on you for not whisking hard enough & get the hand blender out for a sec. Stir in 1 small glass of white wine and a couple of teaspoons of Kirsch if you have it. Salt & Pepper to taste. Try not to scoff the sauce directly from the pan.

Put the Mac and Cheese sauce into a baking dish, then get some cherry tomatoes, cut them in half and poke them into the mixture. Grate more Gruyere and Emmental on the top, then sprinkle with paprika. Stick it in a hot oven until the cheese has all melted on top and its bubbling happily. Serve with hot crusty bread, and make it look posh with sprigs of basil or a rocket salad.

Cheese Absolutely Rawks.

xx

Get voting kids!

2005-04-05T04:36:00.000-07:00

2005-03-29T05:45:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, this is a picture of me & Josie havin' a bit of a muso thang. Its great to have pictures capturing memories such as this, especially when you were too shitted to remember the actual event. Witnesses tell that this was taken after a vodka fest on my birthday. I've been good at keeping up the old geeetaar practice recently, developing those tasty flaky bits on the ends of my fingers and getting more comfortable with singing at the same time - took me ages to sort that one properly. So, if there was a soundbyte to go with this Vodka & Coke induced evening, I am sure it would be a noise of seamless beauty, as if angels had descended and sung of how the world can be if everyone just smiled & loved a bit more.

You know its a bad day when...

2005-02-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

You put salt instead of sugar in your bosses coffee (long story but blatantly not my fault).
You try to open your front door with the button that opens your car.
Your housemate's dad phones for her, and you say 'please hold the line sir, I'll put you through'.

Prime Koala Screwball

2005-02-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

Found a website that has wonderful anagrams of Camilla Parker-Bowles' name:
http://www.anagramgenius.com/archive/camill.html
So, unrequited love finally ignited, or pigsy hunt-frenzied hagbag finally got her hands on the crown jewels? None of my business, but blogs are great to make uneducated quips about people you don't know.

Heh heh, and 'Camilla the Duchess of Cornwall' comes out as 'Hell, Monarchists face a dull cow.'

Poetry, or Something Like it.

2005-02-02T04:10:00.000-08:00

The following poems were written at Heathrow Airport, when all flights were grounded for over 12 hours...we were without our baggage, had to spend the night in terminal one, and the restaraunts were fast running out of food...

TASTY BURGER
Do I want a tasty burger?
YEAH I want a tasty burger!
People stare right through me,
People push into me,
I'm in Terminal One,
And its all come undone.

Flight cancellations,
And fucked up reservations,
Weather is an act of god,
They'll give me no salvations.

So I'll stand here in this queue
Till is barely in my view,
Paranoid and SO annoyed
If they sell out - what to do?

Fix my plight with grease and shite,
Resign myself to stay the night
...only fries and drinks left - that bites.

HOMOUS
Creamy.
Pulpy.
Teasing hint of texture.
But all I have now is this bag of crisps.
Nothing to dip.
Oh, how I yearn for your velvety, gloopy savouriness now,
And how I long for a cold beer to wash you down.
Hippies make a meal of you,
Stoners make a deal of you,
Oh, what I wouldn't do
To delve into your goo.
Mmmmm.
Dribble.
Leave you out too long
And you grow a crusty layer,
But I wouldn't turn you down my love,
A tahini-chickpea saviour.

Hmm. I think my obsession with food is leaking out onto this blog a little too much. I'd better put this poem in too...this is just a gushy one about me n' my bloke (see sheep with the cute ears below).

SPLISHY SPLASHY
Floating
Just floating, blissful with my love
Sleeping
Suspended slowly creeping with my love

So swim a while,
We'll reconcile,
And redirect the tides
To touch us deep inside
No care for blowing winds above
And rule the waves with my true love

Finding
Sweet passion has us binding
And through souls we are entwining
Shining
As colours sparkle deeply here
And deeper still is shining clear.

So take a breath,
And trust in this,
We'll sink into this otherworld
And swim into another world
That lucky few have found
And lucky few are bound.

Might try to turn that one into a song at some point. If I can be arsed. I'm too hungry to think.

2005-01-27T02:18:00.000-08:00

Tasty monkey.

2005-01-25T02:11:00.000-08:00

Mmm, yes, even this tasty burger.

2005-01-25T02:03:00.000-08:00

I'm hungry. I want to eat until I hallucinate.

2005-01-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

Check out this from North Queensland - the rare and flightless, but none the less evil looking Cassowary. These birds are known to manifest large numbers of spiders eggs in their mouth and then using their syringe like beak inject them in to smaller birds eyes. They have also been seen bungee-jumping over a rusty Stanley knife convention on a long piece of dampened Andrex in an attempt to imitate flight. They are fully literate and enjoy Alan Titchmarsh novels being read to them by Alan Titchmarsh and can often be observed bathing in vats of boiling ear wax donated by local Aborigines, known to them as Billius Oddus!

2005-01-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

A bird of worthy note is the hypno-chick. It lures its prey with the use of its hypnotic eyes and its confusingly sickly-sweet-but pug-fucking-ugly appearance. Upon approaching this treacle monster, it feasts upon the victims brainwaves and proceeds to hum songs by the Carpenters until its preys head implodes. Rare reports have found the hypno-chick masquerading as a whores ginger mirkin, where it can contentedly wait like a spider in a web for her unwitting punters. This proves to be quite a successful symbient relationship, as Carpenters music independently playing from ones hairy gash can prove to be quite a novelty.

2004-10-15T04:55:00.000-07:00

This is a Common Ink Cap. Also very tasty, but apparently it makes you sick if you eat it in conjunction with alcohol. Look at the lovely umbo on that.

2004-10-15T04:53:00.000-07:00

This is a Shaggy Ink Cap, dont you know. Mmm, nice.

2004-10-15T04:51:00.000-07:00

Its a Moomin! he is Shroomin.

'Shroomin Moomin

2004-10-15T01:49:00.000-07:00

Mmmm, I've been munching on mushrooms picked all by my little self. Loads of butter, and just a bit of garlic, herbs, pepper and chopped sunblush tomatoes. Dumped on toasted granary bread. Its true, that once you do a hunter-gatherer on mushrooms, you are hooked. Or maybe its just me being really fucking sad.

2004-10-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

This is my Chav mate, Jo. She's really cool, and smokes Lambert and Butler. She fancies Peter Andre and her favourite song is 'Survivior' by Destiny's Child. Love her.

Chav Jokes

2004-10-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

OK, so we all like to have a laugh at the culturally challenged sometimes, these make me chuckle...

1. What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.

11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.

2004-10-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

Steve the Sheep. Baa-aa. Look at his cute little ears.

2004-10-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

Intro Rant

2004-10-11T08:51:00.000-07:00

Hello,

A little introduction on myself, I think, I'm Sharyn and my favourite pastimes are cheese, wine and sunshine. Especially cheese. I am also quite obsessed by mushrooms at present, it is very much the season right now, you know. And it gets me out into the countryside and undergrowth. Apparently the other night I was found crashed on a friends' bed having been heavily dosed with Sambuca talking about fungus and mushrooms in my sleep. I think the spores have invaded my brain. Am missing the English summertime already, those two weeks seem to have passed - I am usually found doing things like this:
(Picture above)
Here is a picture of my boyfriend, Steve the sheep. As you can see, he is quite the cuddly sort, and he is very low maintenance as long as you feed him grass and give him the occasional stroking. His downsides are getting poo caught in his fur and his refusal to contribute to Sunday roasts. Please feel free to leave a message for him, he doesn't have his own blog, as his little tiny hooves can't cope with a keyboard.
(Picture above - I'm crap at blogs)

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